The Messy And The Beautiful Life

(Feel free to listen as you read...this has been on repeat lately in my car!)

Lately I have been more keenly aware of the evil in the world.  Maybe I have the news on more.  There is just so much happening right now and there are so many of our brothers and sisters suffering, and I just cannot get them out of my thoughts. And it seems to be getting closer and closer to home.  More and more threats against our home with shootings and social media threats against our schools. Our kids are now living in an age where they have to keep their eyes open at all times.  It's made me stop and think so much more lately about life and who I am and who I belong to and you know what happens? Cosmic warfare happens. And it's not just fear. It's a little of that.  I think we would be remiss if we didn't all struggle with some fear at all these things going on in the world. We are human, we do know the outcome yes, but human nonetheless.  The other struggle I face is a physical one... one of chronic pain and fatigue, and now I have some  med changes and the fatigue just got to a whole other level.  My body is wrecked.  Actually about everything in this house is wrecked...let's be real here!  Really, I should be at Bible study.  But, this body doesn't want to move.  Husband's work is a bit much, the schedule is freaking out of control and life is a tailspin.  I am a tailspin.  See it's times like these that the lies from the enemy come in and try to take the space that God wants to dwell. Lies of failure and lies of who I belong to.  The enemy wants us to believe we don't belong...to anyone really.  But we do belong! As believers we have HOPE! We know the end, and we have to keep moving, keep forgiving, never giving up because it's not over yet. When we are united with Christ, we too were tortured, and spat on and crucified. And when we claim the grace of Jesus, and read His Word, we too are resurrected with Him and Satan no longer has any claim on our lives.  We belong to our Savior. This is the Gospel folks! The Gospel that we need to preach to ourselves every day.  No matter what sin we face on a daily basis, or what lie the enemy throws at us, we need to preach the Gospel to our hearts. We are united with Christ.  We belong to Him. I often have to remember to realign my heart to His.  You see our lives are not our own.  When we send our kids out to the bus stop, they walk directly into the hands of the Almighty. When we get on a train or in a car to go to work, we are being carried by the hands of God.  What a beautiful picture of grace.  Life is messy but it is so beautiful.  I am working on embracing all the messiness and instead finding the beauty.  His grace abounds endlessly in it.

His Grace Abounds: Happy Birthday Michael

This is a boy about 6 years old tattered and worn, and not just his clothes. He will most likely hate that I am writing what I am about to write, but son, this for playing paper football with your dinner plate all those years! You owe me one!  This boy! Those of you who have known us through the ups and downs of raising this child know exactly where this is going. This picture was taken without planning it. The clothes he is wearing were clothes he would never take off because he refused to wear anything else.  He was defiant, rebellious, fearful....wracked with fear and debilitatingly shy.   He was angry and often showed it.  I mean...often.  Oh he laughed and he had fun, but mostly he was difficult!  His hair was long too because he refused to cut it. He wore those clothes until the cuffs came off and pants were too short and I had to basically tear them off his body. So, while we were at a photographer getting other pictures done, he was sitting there brooding in his favorite outfit.  I asked the photographer to take his picture so we would remember.  See, I knew that God's promises were true.  I knew that one day God would grab his heart and shake him up a bit. So I wanted to remember what he looked like during this dark time.  During this period of time, we got a lot of slack for many things we were doing.  I don't say this to make anyone feel bad because in all honesty, if I were looking at this situation from the outside, I may have thought or said the same things. I still hear some things now and again about how "I don't want my kid to be how he was".  In truth, aren't we all sinners? Our hearts are wretched things. But it was partly through Mikey that God taught us what His grace really meant.  We spanked like we were taught...that backfired quickly into something we never ever wanted to happen again.  We yelled...oh man did we yell.  Poor kid.  We sat in his room and took every last thing away until he even handed us his blanky!!!! stubborn little booger! I remember one time, sitting in his room against the door while he threw everything he could get his hands on and I just prayed grace over him.  I prayed that I would understand what grace meant...truly meant.  And, really it meant letting it go! It meant not striving to fix him.  He belonged to my Father and not to me.  I could not make him obey so I let go of some things that just didn't matter.  He grew his hair out and he wore his tattered clothes and it became a picture of who we were.  Broken sinners in need of a mighty Savior, a Savior who was the ONLY one who could put the little boy and his tattered and worn parents back together.   He wore winter boots with shorts all summer and he didn't wear short sleeves until the 5th grade.  Maybe 6th! One thing we did do was preach the Gospel to ourselves and to him, reminding him that even though he would often say he could never do anything right because he was always in trouble...it didn't matter, God loved him just like that. We couldn't change his behavior, we tried and failed miserably. We simply were praying that God would change his heart. So we kept telling him over and over and over that even in his sin, Jesus died for him. While he threw punches at his father, he would tell him, "son I love you". See, he was fighting not our love, but a much bigger love that was wrestling for his little heart.  And going back to that day at the photographer and that picture and the sense that one day....

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that same boy turns 14 tomorrow and God is capturing his heart. He has grown up to be a leader among peers, learning to serve his family; faithfully and carefully knowing when his heart is wrong.  He has a mind that absorbs the Gospel and a heart that hears, and it goes down deep. Does he still have a temper?  Just ask his sisters!! We thank God for this boy and all we have learned raising him.  We wouldn't go back and change one moment with him, and we can't wait to see all that God does in and through him in the next stages of his life.  Happy 14th Michael! 

Where Is Our Emphasis?

As I was taking a walk this morning my thoughts were on Matthew 11:29.30..."Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."  I was talking with someone yesterday about her daughter getting a recent "reboot" this summer and she was so excited about it and how she was now checking all the right boxes again in her spiritual walk.  Inside I was churning. I was sad for this precious girl.  I have two teenagers my self and I often worry about their walk with their Savior but have to remember that they belong to Him and not to me.  They are in my care, yes.  But, ultimately God will finish what He has started, not me. What I was sad about was the stake she was taking in the works her daughter was doing and not in the work God was doing. It has taken me a long time in my walk with the Lord to finally understand what it means to take His yoke upon me and find rest. When the emphasis of all theology, the study of God, is on what I need to do to become a better believer is on me, the burden is so heavy.  Have I read enough today? Have I prayed enough today? I have been respectful to my parents enough today? Have I? Have I? But when the emphasis shifts to what Christ has done....oh boy! Do things change. Take the emphasis off of you and place it on Him and what he did and the burden is gone. And your heart will break. And when your heart breaks, your desire grows. Because what He did was leave his heavenly throne and become on ordinary, actually less than ordinary man, with no real home as an adult, and then was bullied, tortured and murdered. When I think of what He did for me in order to not have to strive in this life to reach heaven on my own...be still my heart. Such love. How can I not desire to serve such a God.

A Weekend of Encouragement

The message of the weekend was encouragement.  More specifically, growing in discipleship encouragement. A dear friend of our church community Barbara Murray was our gracious speaker and she gave her definition of discipleship encouragement as "infusing a fellow believer to grow in Christ".  One way to do this is by listening. To be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. (James 1:19)  Another way is to tell our story.
I sat in a room full of stories this weekend.  All of us have a story to tell.  A story that has been written by the ultimate Author.  I witnessed some brave women combat fear and tell theirs to other women who needed to hear of the battle scars of their sisters in Christ.  An amazing thing happens when fears are stilled and words flow. Hearts open and sisters share and all are encouraged to grow in Christ.
When fear keeps us from telling our story, the world hurts.  But fear is a powerful thing. It silences and paralyzes.  It causes us to question our faith and the sovereignty of God.  What if my story makes me look weak?  What if my story involves someone that I don't want to hurt or betray? What if I don't want to draw attention to myself?  What if...? These questions keep our eyes inward and our hearts sealed tight. Yes there is wisdom to be sought before sharing our sorrows and our victories, but when God calls, we must be ready to take action. All of our lives have pain, sorrow and heartache.  We all have secrets we want to hold on to.  But what if we let go of the fear keeping those things bottled up inside and we begin to share all that God has done in the darkest places of our souls?  Scripture tells us that ALL things work together for GOOD, for His glory. (Romans 8:28)  We need to hear each other's stories.  We need to know we are not alone in our battles.  The enemy works hard to silence the believer, but we witnessed the Holy Spirit at work this weekend in all the brave women who bared their souls, let go of fear, let the tears flow and encouraged the hearts of fellow believers.  I know I was deeply encouraged and challenged to tell my story.  To let the Author's story of my life be published for the world around me to be encouraged, because, lets face it. Our story is not our own.  It's His story of redeeming mankind to Himself and we are but a character in a chapter of an epic story that will last for all eternity.

Thoughts on Hope from Romans 8

Romans 8:28 says, "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose."  This is one of those verses that, if you have grown up in the church as I have, has been quoted more times than most others.  It is memorized and thought on, yet somehow it alludes it's meaning.  It becomes rote. I know that this is true for me.  Until recently.  There has been a lot of soul searching around this house in the last few years being back in DC.  Probably more for me than others in my family, and I have come to a much more deep understanding of who I am, where I have come from, what I believe to be true about life and scripture.  I know now that the Gospel is for the believer more than the sinner.  The sinner is dead and has no understanding of the Gospel unless the Holy Spirit has opened their eyes and then they see, become a believer and need the Gospel daily.  I need the Gospel EVERY day.  To be reminded of who I am, what has been done for me and the hope that I have.  The Gospel is not a list of dos and don'ts or a self help on how to be a better person or even follower of Christ.  The GOSPEL is the Good News of Jesus Christ and what He accomplished for ME! Simple? Yes.  Absolutely necessary? YES! Romans is all about salvation and redemption.  It talks much about suffering and being made more like Christ.  Some of us have more suffering than others and some think this is a travesty.  Many believe suffering is a result of not enough faith, or not claiming your healing or victory. At this point in my life, I have seen much suffering.  One thing I have noticed and pondered is why the deepest form of suffering often happens to those who love God with all of their being.  Why? Oh we live in a fallen world. There is that.  But we as Christians strive for something so much more than this life has to offer.  We strive to be like the One who rescued us from death.  We pray for deeper understanding and we plead to be like Him.  Well...another thing I have learned is this...watch out for what you pray for! God will surely grant this prayer and sometimes it will take us walking through fire and water to be formed into His likeness.  And yes, God will even use those things in our life that are evil and ugly and hard.  Things like abuse (whether it be emotional, physical, spiritual), cancer, rejection, chronic pain and fatigue...the list can go on forever.  We live in a fallen world where sin abounds.  These things are unavoidable this side of heaven, BUT GOD....He holds the keys! He has bound up the evil one and although the affects of him are all around, God holds His children, walks with them, never leaves their side.  This is the Gospel folks.  Plain and simple.  "And we KNOW that for those who love God, ALL THINGS work together for GOOD, for those who are called according to His purpose."  We need to be encouraged through our pain and suffering that God has a purpose, a plan beyond anything we can imagine.  He WILL use your suffering and pain for HIS glory.  I rest in this promise today. I am thankful for a God who knows the end from the beginning, who holds me in the palm of His hand and when the pain threatens, He is walking right next to me holding me up. I am learning daily to let go and let God take me where He wills.  Learning to let Him use my past to shape my future and to let it be used for His glory.

Keeping It Real

I think the thing that holds me back so often from writing is the fear of keepin' it real! But, let's face it, if we don't keep it real, how in the heck are we going to move forward with things and grow the way God wants us to? So, here I am just keepin' it real today.  Today is sunny! And today, I feel like I can conquer the world!  These days are few and far between here in lovely Maryland.  sarcastic notes there. It is no secret that I miss sunny New Mexico.  But what is a secret is how bitter I have been at the circumstances and people surrounding our move back.  I feel far less bitter than months ago and even years ago, but there still is this tiny part of me that wants to just go all Madea on some folks.  You know Madea, the crazy black woman from the movies that always keeps it real.  You just don't mess with her, cause she might just drive a truck right into your living room.  And yes, that is the scene I have had in my mind on many occasion.  You just don't mess with my family. And you certainly don't ever question my husband's loyalty or priorities.  There is one thing I know, my husband lives to care and provide for his family.  Even if it means taking on three jobs while going to school full time, and doing them all well! And don't you ever question whether or not he is being a good husband and father.  But, we all come face to face with people at some point in our lives that push us to the breaking point and our path forever changes.  As humans we like to look at these circumstances and see all the messed up parts and get angry and bitter.  But as sons and daughters of God, we have no choice but to see these things as graces that push us forever closer to His Son.  Are they always pleasant? No.  Are they always exactly how God would have wanted them to happen? No.  But nothing is ever lost on God.  He uses all the messed up ugly sinful parts of us and uses them for His glory.  Oh what grace.  He IS faithful, and I am only starting to see God's plan for us here in this place at this time.  So….here's to sunshine!  Let's keep it real today….God loves us and has good things planned for us today. One step in front of the other we grow.  Thankful for promises.

A New Beginning

Life is all about change.  It's about the ebbs and flows and how we are going to deal with these waves.  Some have lives relatively steady; not much in the way of change or challenge, so it seems.  Then there are the ones who's lives seem to live in constant challenge.  In the last few years, I have felt like the latter.  But, you know what? I wouldn't want it any other way.  Challenge is what causes our faith to grow.  It's what causes us to question who we are, what we believe, what our values and priorities are.  Oh, ask me in the midst of something hard and I might crumble like a baby.  I have so many times in the last months, but as I look back over the course of 5 years or so, what I see is a girl questioning life and faith grow into a woman who knows what grace is and what her Savior did for her.  I see a girl coming of age and coming to faith and growing.
Our time away from DC was a time to be a bit free from the constant bombardment of competition, of time wasted, of keeping up with the Jones's, of being so engrossed in our own lives that we miss all that is going on around us. The last thing I ever wanted to do was to come back to this fast paced, competitive, fierce city with all its highways and claustrophobia inducing buildings and trees!! I loved the wide open spaces and friendly smiles, the slowness of life and the deep blue skies of New Mexico. I will cherish it forever as a break from this way of life that we find ourselves back in.  So…the question now is, how do I live my life here with the values and priorities of the slow ways I had come to love? How do I live simply and intentionally around personalities that fight to always be 5 steps ahead of everyone else.  This….this is the question of the year for me. As I sit here writing in our own space now, I come face to face with this challenge of keeping the priorities I hold dear; and I have to confess, these past 18 months I have been horribly selfish simply based on my grief of a life I wanted away from here. My kids have suffered, my husband has suffered, I have suffered.  But God….oh how I love these words.  "But God who is rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together in Christ…" Eph 2:4,5  There is redemption.  There is mercy.  There is hope.  I remember when I would write in NM, I would write at my desk and look out my window and see the backyard of my dreams, the mountain behind it and often hot air balloons floating through the sky.  Now, it's the hustle and bustle of a city driving by.  Much different…but my God is not.  With this hope, I know I can walk through this change as a new beginning and face many more challenges with grace.  My hope is that we can look back on this season as one of growth and grace and a life lived intentionally.  I want to instill this into my children as they grow through the changes of life.  As they embark on change this next year into public school, I hope and pray that they will look back on all God has held them through and not forget that He walks with them and strengthens them on a minute by minute basis.  I feel so full when I see them growing and being nurtured through life.
I am glad to be writing again.  I feel ready to tackle this next season and keep record of all God wants to do in the lives of this little family.  Our adventure continues….